Pun Contest
Alright. So you think you’re clever? How about the highest art form out there? Yes, it is time for The Almighty Pun Contest.
Here is a light sample from the past year:
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of
himself.
No get to punning.
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It’s all right to kiss a nun as long as you don’t get in the habit.
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BANANAS ARE APEELING!!!
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Camping is intense!
(pretty common one though)
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A boy entered ten puns in a pun contest, hoping one of them would win.
But sadly, No Pun In Ten Did.
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after hours of discussing the pencil, the students were finally led to the point
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After becoming filled with uncontrollable rage that it did not win 1st prize in the Fancy Cat Greatest Tail Contest, the feline created its own catastrophe out of anger.
Psstt…catastrophe (sound it out)
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The boy wore suspenders with OVERALL enthusiasm!!!
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safe eating, use a condiment…… think about it
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safe eating, use a condiment…..think about it.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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Two boys entered themselves in a knot-tying contest. As the referee blew the whistle and began to announce the results, a spectator asked, “Is it a tie or knot?”
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Mr. Farmer was having trouble figuring out a method to get his cow to lactate properly, so he put Juan before the udder and hoped for a better solution.
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its a joke/pun. kind of.
A man walked into a bar and sat down. He heard a little voice say, “Nice shirt,” but there was no one around him. Then he heard another voice say, “Nice tie.” but he still couldn’t see anyone around him. He asked the bartender if he would know where the voices were coming from, and the bartender replied, “It’s the peanuts- they’re complementary!”
TAHA… not.
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what’s the difference between batman and a kleptomaniac?
batman can go to the store without robin!
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The ghost practiced scaring people night after night. He was finally ready for his day boo
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I bought my wife a really cute bell ringer for the front door – it was a door a bell.
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There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
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Johnny got in trouble at the day care for resisting a rest.
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Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
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to write with a broken pencil is pointless!
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Like a lazy tailor would say, “Suit yourself!”
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This one goes out to all the knot-lovers:
these three pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve string! Get out!” So the string leave and are standing outside the bar parched and wondering what to do when suddenly one gets an idea. “I have an idea!” says he. So he ties himself in a know and frays his ends and promply walks back into the bar. The bartenter says to him, “Hey wait a minute, are you a piece of string?” and he replies nonchalantly, “Nope. I’m afraid not.”
haha, get it? a frayed knot!?
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A man walked into a bar…
ouch.
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I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me
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For all the McAuliffe Band kids (Mr. Sisil):
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine-shaft?
A-flat minor
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The Energizer Bunny was arrested the other day, he was charged with battery.
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Okay, this one is a little out here……if you think it’s horrible, I am not surprised.
As many know, Mahatma Gandi always walked barefoot which resulted in many callouses. He also ate very little, therefor very frail, and because he had such an odd diet, he had horrible breath.
So he was really a….
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
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The chicken knew the first leg of his trip would take him to Buffalo. From there he would wing it.
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hehe nice one Steven, straight out of the Folder of Funny. And heres another one:
There once was a woman who was forced to give up her twins for adoption at birth. One went to a family in Africa and was named Ahmal, the other went to a family in Spain and was named Juan. Years later Juan sent the birth mother a photo of himself. She said to her husband, “This is great but I just wish I had a picture of Ahmal.” Her husband replied, “They’re twins, if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
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and another:
There were two eskimos sitting in a kayak but they got really cold, so they decided to build a fire. It promptly burned a hole in they kayak, which sank, and both men were eaten by vicious leopard seals, thus proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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and another:
A chess team was in the lobby of a local hotel bragging about their recent victories when the manager came out and demanded them all to disperse. When they asked him why, he said,
“Because I can’t stand chess nut boasting in an open foyer!”
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married, the wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was great!
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What did the little fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
“Dam!”
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This isn’t a pun but i heard it in math today.
How do you fit a Giraffe in a fridge?
…you take everything out of the fridge and put it in.
How do you fit an elephant in a fridge?
…you take out the Giraffe.
The animals were having a meeting, who didn’t attend?
…the elephant because he was in the fridge.
How do you cross the alligators’ swamp?
…you swim through it because the alligators are at the meeting!
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from mrs currie:
there were two clocks.
one said, “i’m hungry”
and the other said, “Go back four seconds”
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A man walks into a doctor’s office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, “Here, put your ear to my knee.”
The doctor puts his ear to the man’s knee and hears very faintly, “Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?”
The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, “I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin.” The doctor puts his ear to the man’s shin and hears very faintly, “Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?”
Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, “If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle.” The doctor puts his ear to the man’s ankle and hears oh so faintly, “Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?”
The doctor then stands up and says, “Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places.”
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This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box.
Apparently, the boa cons tricked her.
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A geometry teacher was talking to her class about circles, a student raises his hand and asked about politics. After the teacher answered his question she said “pardon me for going off on a tangent”
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jesus christ, can we stop bringing up religion in school?
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I don’t cuss, I swear!
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A sign on the lawn at a rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass’.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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What do you call a Mexican whose car broke down?
Joaquin
["walking" for those who do not get it]
…and no ofense to anyone
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Why did the mother cat move her kittens?
Because she didn’t want to LITTER!
haha
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ok one more-
[it's not reeeaaally a pun but it's funny!]
knock, knock.
who’s there?
“I eat mop”
“I eat mop” who?
EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
haha that one gets me every time
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Callie, don’t forget your ” Eating under where?” joke.
Haha.
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I heard this joke from Jusdeep.
So, I was at Seal Beach and I decided to take a walk on the pier. At the end of the pier, I saw a woman crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I’ve never been hugged.” Naturally, I gave her a hug. The next day I went back to the pier again and the same woman was there. Again she was crying and she said, “I’ve never been kissed” so I gave her a kiss. The next day I went back to the pier to see if the crying woman would be there again. She was and she cried, “I’ve never been screwed.”…so I kicked her off the pier.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra
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okey dokey…here’s for kolkin.
What are you eating under there?
…under where?
[underwear
]
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
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The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
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The curtains were drawn. The rest of the furniture was real.
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A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
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You gotta love laughy-taffy for thier jokes.
Why was the farmer so successful?
Because he was always outstanding in his field.
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their**
(I do know how to spell… kind of)
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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
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And another:
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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hell, this fiery weather is making my skin all ashy
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The liquor store advertised, ‘We De-Liver.’
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
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Two pencils decided to enter a race. The outcome was a draw.
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Did you hear about the guy that had his left side cut off? He’s all right now.
The former soldier was sprayed with pepper spray. He’s a seasoned veteran now.
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The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
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How do you make anti-freeze?
Take her blanket.
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During the Boston Tea Party, trouble was brewing.
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A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
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Without geometry, life is pointless.
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When the fog lifts in Los Angeles, you see L.A.
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A wealthy farmer buys a ranch for his three sons, and he names it the Focus Ranch. When asked why he chose that name, he says “it’s where the sons raise meat.”
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Tennis players don’t marry because Love means nothing to them.
and
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
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for sean wang
two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. one says “ive lost my electron.” the other says “are you sure?” the first one replies “yes, im positive.”
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At a pet store: ‘buy one dog, get one flea’.
and
When chemists die, we barium.
and
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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the wildfire said: dont even get me started!!
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This is the ultimate muscial pun, but you have to know your theory to get the whole thing. Re-read it if you don’t understand it the first time (if you get through the first paragraph, I commend you):
A ‘C’, an ‘E-flat’, and a ‘G’ go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the ‘E-flat’ leaves, and the ‘C’ and the ‘G’ have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the ‘G’ is out flat. An ‘F’ comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A ‘D’ comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” An ‘A’ comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of ‘C’ is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a ‘B-flat’ hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
The ‘E-flat’, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the ‘E-flat’ takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the ‘C’ sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The ‘C’ is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of ‘a’ minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of ‘DS’ (district service) without ‘Coda’ at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the ‘C’ is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest – and closes the bar.
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Protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic
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it takes 8460 bolts to assemble an automobile and only one nut to shatter it across the road. Dont drink and drive.
get it..nuts and bolts!!
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alcohol and calculus don’t mix:
don’t drink and derive!
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What do you call a group of mothers giving birth together?
A labor union!
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what do you call a fake noodle?
an im-pasta!
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A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
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There once was a man who was just a head, that’s it, he had no body. One day he was offered the oppurtunity to get a revolutionary procedure to get a body of his very own. He consulted a trusted friend about whether or not he should get it done. His friend said absolutely not to get it done but he went ahead and got the procedure anyway and promptly died from complications.
The moral of the story: quit while your a head.
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In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
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I beat the eggs and I whip the cream, but the onion always makes me cry
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
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Bill Gates took advantage of his windows of opportunity.
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A piece of rope walks into a bar. He orders round after round. Once he gets wasted, he starts hitting on women and picks a fight with a local and the bartender kicks him out and tells him never to come back. He goes around to the side of the bar, ties himself up and rubs himself up and down against the brick wall. The piece of rope walks back into the bar. The bartender asks, “Hey aren’t you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?”
The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
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what the heck Wang, I already posted that
and my new vacuum really sucks
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The end of the plain plane, explained.
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crude humor alert…
alright i’ve cooked the vegetables, now what do i do with the wheelchairs?
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I went clubbing…
Softest coat ever.
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Aging skiers go downhill, literally and figuratively
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When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, “this one is on me.”
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I wanted to exercise last night but it just didn’t work out.
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Bob was not the only one arrested for growing marijuana when the cops found out that it was actually a joint venture.
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This is courtesy of Mr. Harmon.
What you do call a smoking skydiver?
A cough drop!
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two more laffy-taffy jokes:
What’s a vampire’s favourite fruit?
Neck-terine
Where do sick boats go?
The dock
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What’s a robot’s favourite sport?
Wall-e ball!!!
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i heard this one from Carfi:
You like cats too?
Lets exchange recipes.
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what did one tree say to the other?
geometry
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what is a mermaid’s bra made of?
algebra
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for all you Hamlet lovers…aka mr. eldridge
Excuse me, sir, whose grave is this?
It’s mine, sir.
I think it really must be yours, since you’re the one lying in it.
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What did the mute say to the mime?
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If ionized fertilizer is delivered after business hours, the nitrate will be charged.
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I wanted to be the announcer at an event, but my Canadian friend was confused at my decision: “YMCA?”
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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
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As a young boy, Brutus’ mother often cautioned him not to run with Caesars.
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Math teachers have lots of problems.
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this is for serious musicians:
Did you hear about the jazz musician who was sustained in an ice box?
He was really Phrygian because he couldn’t open the Dorian.
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A bank manager without anyone around may find themself a-loan.
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When there was too many people in the Animal Hat Clan, one of the members said, “there are way to many people in the group, we should cap-off the membership.”
-true story haha
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The untruthful deli clerk was full of baloney.
and another
Yesterday I rode my bike twice, I guess that makes me a recycler.
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Michelle Elias Reply:
June 17th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
@Keren Mahgerefteh, you spelled bologna wrong…btw
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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – and a pretty good spring and summer, too.
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I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
the bartender brought in a guy who looks just like me.
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What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
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Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
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If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
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